5 Reasons Marriage Counseling Intensives Work

5 Reasons Marriage Counseling Intensives Work

by | Relationships

5 Reasons a 2-Day Couples Counseling Intensive Can Transform Your Marriage

When a relationship feels stuck, many couples turn to weekly counseling. While it can help, and I have seen beautiful transformations, progress can be slow because conversations get interrupted by the clock and diluted by daily life between sessions. A 2-day couples counseling intensive offers a different experience—one that aligns with how the brain learns, how behavioral change sticks, and how secure attachment bonds are repaired.

A 2-day marriage intensive takes advantage of how we catalog experiences, and couples can make the most of this advantage by stepping outside their life-as-usual routines to focus on creating something new between them: something they love.

In addition to the five reasons we will explore below, a 2-day counseling intensive interrupts daily patterns and habits. Local couples might choose a stay-cation here in the Moscow/Pullman area by booking a night or two in a hotel or AirBnB for their intensive. Other couples from throughout the Pacific Northwest might make a 4-day weekend of it, traveling to the beautiful Palouse and a change of scene for their immersive counseling experience.

Either way, their minds and hearts are primed to bring more creativity to their relationship by stepping outside their daily experiences.

Here are five reasons this approach works so well.

1. No Stop-and-Start — Months’ Worth of Progress in Days

This benefit is touted everywhere you read about marriage intensives. But, how is it possible to concentrate months’ worth of couples counseling into just two days? There are a few reasons.

Planning and Preparing for Your Intensive

First, while the couple participates in two days of immersive counseling experience, the process begins before they even arrive. Once we’ve had a meeting online and the intensive is booked, I send out deeply planned and carefully chosen questionnaires and articles.

Not only does receiving these completed questions help me to prepare a tailored experience for every couple, completing them also prepares the couple. By doing the work to think deeply about the questions designed to get at the crux of what we need to do, couples are priming the pump to think in new ways about their relationships, their partners, and themselves.

And, the minute I receive them, that couple is on my mind and in my planning, tailoring the upcoming experience to their needs.

Couples Intensives Provide the Luxury of Uninterrupted Time

Weekly counseling often means warming up, starting to address something important… and then stopping before it’s resolved. Each person has come to counseling from the midst of their own day with its frustrations, hurries, and irritations.

Often, time in sessions has to be spent changing gears and dealing with or setting aside the “fight of the week” before the couple is ready to settle down. Even when good weekly work happens, that interruption can leave the nervous system unsettled and the learning incomplete.

In an intensive, there’s no stop and start. You cover months’ worth of work in one concentrated stretch. Just adding up the hours shows how many months it would take to cover the actual number of hours in an intensive format.

But, a marriage intensive is more than just the sum of its hours. Stepping away from daily life allows for total focus, connection outside of therapy over the course of the weekend, and space to unwind between sessions—so each conversation builds on the last, reinforcing both emotional safety and momentum.

2. Immersive Couples Work That Reaches Long-Term Memory

From a neuroscience perspective, the brain moves new experiences from short-term storage (the hippocampus) into long-term memory through repetition, emotional significance, and focused attention. Weekly sessions often lack the sustained immersion needed for this transfer.

A 2-day intensive is immersive and experiential—you engage for hours in emotionally meaningful, relevant practice. This activates the neuroplasticity that rewires old relational patterns. Emotional and sensory-rich learning “tags” the experience for your brain, making it easier to retrieve and apply in future moments. In other words, you’re not just hearing about new ways to relate—you’re living them long enough for your nervous system to remember.

(I can just hear it now, though. “I don’t think I can take hours of the kind of interactions we have!” Don’t worry, we’ll cover that in point #4 below!)

3. Marriage Intensives Allow Enough Space for Every Voice

Attachment research shows that secure connection develops when partners feel heard, understood, and emotionally safe. But, that’s not how most couples come into counseling! And, that can’t happen in a rush—especially if one partner takes longer to trust or self-regulate.

A couples intensive offers room and time for each person to be truly heard and helped. There’s space for both gentle practice and the “big conversations” couples may avoid in weekly sessions. Couples who are conflict-avoidant can take the time to open up; couples who get escalated can take the time to calm down. This pace allows the nervous system to shift from defensive reactivity into openness and connection—the foundation of secure attachment.

Each day of a 2-day couples intensive is carefully planned with the timing of education, exploration, and practice considered for the best results. This includes well-timed breaks and different types of exercises, conversations, and methods. And, there is ample lunch and evening free time to decompress, do something relaxing, or just have an early night with a long sleep to recharge.

4. Learning Plus Coached Experiential Practice

Change doesn’t come from information alone—it comes from integrated learning, where understanding and action meet. In a marriage intensive, you receive education PLUS coached experiential practice.

I will not let you practice the problems that go on at home unchecked. Sometimes, clients wonder how they will stand to do so many hours of marriage or relationship therapy in one weekend. I understand! If your relationship is stuck, of course you do not want to repeat painful, unproductive patterns hour after hour! You’ve had it with that! That is where an expertly guided couples intensive comes in. It will not be the same-old, same-old.

Based on the work you do in advance, I’ll have created a tailored, structured play-book for you. You’ll each have a hard-copy during your intensive weekend, and you’ll take it home with you, too. Because you’ve already experimented and practiced with these tools in the safety of the sessions, your brain has linked the skill to a felt sense of connection with your partner. This emotional encoding makes it more likely you’ll reach for those tools in moments of stress, rather than defaulting to old habits.

5. Customized Support and Follow-Through After Your Intensive

While all good relationship therapy is personalized, an intensive benefits from significant prep—including pre-intensive questionnaires—so the time is spent on exactly what matters most to your relationship.

Afterward, you don’t just leave with insights. You have a play-book, built-in follow-up, and a shared experience of successful connection that becomes a reference point in your relationship’s emotional memory. These anchors make it easier to sustain change long after the intensive weekend is over.

The Takeaways

When neuroscience, attachment science, and practical relationship tools come together (and for those who wish, incorporation of their Biblical faith and identity in Jesus), real transformation can happen quickly. A couples counseling intensive isn’t just “more hours in a short time”—it’s the right kind of hours, arranged in a way that your brain and heart are most able to remember, repeat, and rely on.

Book Your 2-Day Couples Weekend Intensive
Tame Your Relationship Conflict Cycle with EFT Couple Therapy

Tame Your Relationship Conflict Cycle with EFT Couple Therapy

by | Videos, Relationships

Tame Your Relationship Conflict Cycle with EFT Couple Therapy

Have you ever noticed that when there is conflict—or stalemate—in your relationship, it feels like you are stuck in a déjà vu cycle? You’ve experienced this before. The same argument, tense silence, or hurt feelings happen again and again. You don’t like getting sucked into the same conflict over and over, but it seems hard to break the cycle. You want the closeness you once had, and you’d like things to get back to normal so you can enjoy each other again. You’d like to know how to tame your relationship conflict cycle, but you’re confused about why you can’t.
 

Understand Your Relationship Conflict Cycle

Well, I have some good news, and some bad news. First, the good news. Although falling into that predictable cycle of conflict in your relationship isn’t any fun, there are actually some predictable—even good—reasons why it happens. The patterns we fall into with the important people in our lives occur because we are all trying to get our relational needs met. Most couples would like to get back to closeness and normalcy, and they’re usually trying pretty hard to get there. Unfortunately, they’ve fallen into patterns that just aren’t working anymore, and what one person is trying is actually driving the other person away or causing the other person to dig in even harder (and vice versa). So, the good news is that these patterns are understandable (with some help), and can be changed to restore closeness.

So, what’s the bad news? The bad news is that if you’ve been stuck in a stressful or hurtful relationship conflict cycle for awhile, there might be a lot of damage to repair. The cycle might have caused one person to completely shut down, or the other person to get really frantic in their attempts to hash things out. You might feel really hurt and wonder if your relationship can ever be restored to what it once was.
 

EFT Couple Therapy Can Help Tame Your Relationship Conflict Cycle

In the wonderful video above, my colleague, Sharon Mead, LMFT, illustrates just how the cycle can get started, and what each person is usually trying to achieve with their own style of communication or conflict. To be sure, these strategies to get relationship needs met often become painful and damaging to both parties. But, once you understand that both of you are trying to get your needs met—even if the methods aren’t working—then you can notice what’s happening and slow it all down to see what is really needed. In EFT Couple Therapy, we call this de-escalating the cycle.

A skilled EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) couple therapist can help you de-escalate your cycle of conflict, understand your own needs and those of your spouse, and find new ways to turn towards each other in ways that create interpersonal safety rather than pushing each other’s buttons. Once you’re feeling close and safe again with each other, it becomes so much easier to then work through any specific issues you might be having trouble working out.
 

Watch the video and see if you can spot your own relationship cycle.

For some couples, the cycle gets loud and argumentative. These couples can experience a volatile relationship cycle. For others, it looks more like a slow shutting down of real communication and closeness, even if there aren’t actual arguments. For these couples, their marriage can start to feel more like a roommate relationship, where each person walks on eggshells a little bit and important issues just never get brought up again.

No matter how your particular relationship conflict cycle shows up, just know that there are logical reasons for why your cycle appears the way it does, and EFT Couple Therapy could be the answer to restoring the closeness and happiness you long for.
 

This video, Taming the Cycle: a Tale from EFT Couple Therapy, is used with express permission by its creator, Sharon Mead, LMFT.

Try This Three Step Counseling Hack for Less Anxiety and More Clarity

Try This Three Step Counseling Hack for Less Anxiety and More Clarity

by | Anxiety

Anxiety Tends to Snowball. Try this Counseling Hack for Less Anxiety

Did you know that anxiety breeds more anxiety? I’ll bet if you suffer from anxiety, you already know that. You start out worrying about one thing, and the next thing you know, your mind is chewing away at everything you’ve worried about that day—or that week, month, year, or just about ever.

Or, maybe it starts with the physical feelings of anxiety, and you’re not even sure where they came from. But, now your mind starts throwing stressful reasons for your anxiety at you from every direction.

The trouble is, once anxious thoughts snowball into scores of worries, it gets very hard to know what to do to ease that anxiety. You need a way to break it down into manageable chunks so that you can use some tools to calm yourself down.

If snowballing, compounded anxiety sounds familiar, try this three step counseling hack for less anxiety and more clarity.

 

Borrow a Tool from Couples Counseling to Handle Anxiety Differently

When a conversation starts with criticism, contempt, or accusation, it is not likely to end well. According to a six year study of 124 couples (by Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute for Couples Counseling), the first three minutes of a difficult conversation are key to both the outcome of that discussion, and marital success as the years unfold.

But, what about the way we talk to ourselves as individuals? When you are experiencing anxiety, do you beat yourself up, say self-critical things, overreact because the problems seem so big, or put yourself down for how you feel or for your reactions? And, does that help you calm down? Of course not!

Just as couples can learn to have more effective conversations by starting them differently, you can also be more effective with yourself by creating healthier self-conversations about your worries.

So, borrow this counseling hack that was designed for use in discussion with others to reduce interpersonal defensiveness, blaming, and shaming—but apply it to your own thought process. It’s called the Gentle Start Up.

 

Try The Gentle Start-Up: a Couples Counseling Hack that Works Well for Individuals, Too!

It can be hard to sort out the tangled ball of emotions, thoughts, and possible actions we might take when we’re stressed, sad, or anxious. However, until we are clear on what’s really going on with ourselves, it is pretty hard to know what we need in upsetting circumstances.

Just as we need to sort through our emotions and needs before a couples conversation is going to be very effective, we need to do that for our own encounters with stress, too. If we don’t, we react and are at risk for hurting those around us, making poor decisions for ourselves, or generally freaking out (to use a clinical term).

The following three questions are part of what the Gottman’s call The Gentle Start-Up for couples. But, the questions are very clarifying for individuals, too.

 

Ask yourself three questions: “What am I feeling? What’s it really about? And, what do I need?”

 

What are you feeling?

Yep, here it is. This is a counseling blog, so we’re going to talk about feelings—as in, emotions. This can be a little trickier than we realize when we’re upset. “Wait a minute,” you say! “I’m upset, how hard is that to figure out?!” Well, what kind of upset are you?

Depending on who’s research you look at, there are somewhere between five and 10 main emotions. I call them “umbrella emotions” because the ways we really describe how we feel are all the words that fall under these overarching five:

Joy, Anger, Sadness, Fear, and Shame. For example:

    Joyful (ecstatic, happy, excited, glad, peaceful, pleased, content, grateful, etc.)

    Angry (enraged, peeved, irritated, frustrated, irked, annoyed, pissed off, etc.)

    Sad (bummed, down, blue, disappointed, devastated, lonely, etc.)

    Fear (anxious, worried, concerned, uptight, petrified, etc.)

    Shame (embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, etc.)

You’ll notice that these are pure feelings. They are the actual feelings and emotions you are having in the moment. Accurately describing your own feelings almost never begins with, “I feel that you…” or “I feel that it…” At that point, you’re usually about to give your opinion, rather than your emotion.

Focus on how you feel, and don’t be surprised if you identify more than one! It is really common to have a confusing mix of emotions, or to think you’re having one emotion, when maybe that one is really masking another.

For example, it’s common to have both fear and anger at the same time. Maybe what you are sure is pure anger (“I can’t believe they were late again; didn’t they know how important this was to me?”) is masking a deeper feeling of fear (“I’m getting worried that I’m not important to them anymore; I’m afraid maybe I don’t matter”).

Once you’ve identified what your own emotions are, you’ll decide what they’re really about.
 

What are your feelings really about?

This is where you get to move out of emotions and into your head. Let’s use a different example. You’re in your car, on your way to a lunch date. Someone in front of you is doing 5 mph under, you’ve missed the light, and it looks like you’re going to be late. You know you’re feeling frustrated. So, what are you frustrated about? (I know, I know, you’re torqued that no one knows how to drive.) But, beyond that:

    Are you frustrated because a tourist is going slowly, looking for street signs, and you haven’t had a vacation in two years?

    Are you frustrated because your boss ignored your need to leave the office on time…again?

    Are you frustrated because you’ve made a commitment to your partner that you’re going to be more punctual, but you lapsed into old habits and procrastinated this time?

You get the idea. This is the step where you sort out what your emotions are really about. Why is this important? Because you can’t fix a problem until you know what it is.

This brings us to the last step. Identifying what you really need.

 

What do you need in order to take care of what’s really bothering you?

Finally, we get where this is all headed. After you are clear on what’s going on internally, and what the real cause is, you are in a position to decide what you need: what you need to ask for, or what you need to do for yourself.

This is where a little self-knowledge and practice come in handy, but don’t worry if you’re not sure what you need at first. Slow down, and think about it. For example, do you know what you need when you are sad, as opposed to when you are angry? When you’re burned out at work, versus feeling powerless in your relationship?

When I’m anxious, I need to be gentle with myself, do some body-based relaxation and rhythmic breathing, reach out to talk to someone who cares about me, or reframe my thoughts to bring some balance back into my expectations. I sometimes need to cocoon, have a hot shower, or remind myself that I won’t always feel anxious.

But, when I’m angry, I need something different. It helps if I get outside and take a walk, expend some energy, and give myself some space to sort through what’s at the heart of my irritation. Sometimes it helps to discuss it with a trusted friend who can help me see things clearly rather than seeing red.

In addition to knowing what you need related to your feelings, you can also learn what you need for different problem areas.

Do you need to plan a three day weekend retreat and evaluate your job satisfaction? Or, do you need to buck up and finally have that talk with your spouse about what’s been on your mind? Do you know when you need to retreat, versus needing to act or speak up?

If you’re not sure, yet, don’t worry. This process takes time, but the more you use it, the more quickly you’ll know what you need in the face of certain emotions or issues.

 

Wrapping Up: Use the Gentle Start-Up to Reduce Anxiety and Gain Clarity

Knowing what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling that way is a great first step toward making a wise decision about what to do next, or what needs to change. Untangling your feelings, thoughts, and needs isn’t always easy. But, one nice thing about this exercise is that the more you do it, the easier the questions are to answer. As you get used to separating your feelings from the reasons for them, you can develop a wider range of ways to get your needs met.

Then, whether you are meeting your own needs, or asking others for what you need, you increase the chances that you’ll feel better, faster.
 
Reference:
Carrere, S., and Gottman, J.M., (1999). Predicting Divorce among Newlyweds from the First Three Minutes of a Marital Conflict Discussion, Family Process, Vol. 38(3), 293-301

Fear Factors and Faith: Why Your Anxiety Doesn’t Make You a Bad Christian

Fear Factors and Faith: Why Your Anxiety Doesn’t Make You a Bad Christian

by | Anxiety, Christian

Christian Anxiety. That should be an oxymoron, right?

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

Isaiah 41:10 (NKJV)

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:6-8 (NKJV)

Fear not. Do not be dismayed. Be anxious for nothing.

Those are the directives. You are a Christian. You want to obey.

So, why then, are you still afraid?

Well, we live in a fallen world, and the Word tells us that we have a spiritual enemy who seeks to steal and destroy. He wants very much to steal our peace and joy, and to destroy our faith. And, when life falls apart, the people you love fail you, or it feels like you’re under attack, the world can feel scary. No matter who you are or what you believe. Even when you know where your hope lies, it can still take a toll.

Anxiety often comes with human territory. And some of us have it worse than others.

Is Christian Anxiety a thing? Yes, good Christians can get anxious

All Christians struggle and suffer. It’s important to grasp that we were created with nervous systems designed to respond to the trials and traumas of life. Your responses simply may have shifted into overdrive. To hide or deny them can simply create a cycle of shame you don’t have to endure. Now, God might very well be calling you to a life of increased faith, sanctification, nervous system healing, and a greater revelation of who He is in response to the anxiety you experience. But, it is the enemy of our souls who wants to keep us ashamed of our need for maturity, growth, and healing.

Your frustration with the power that anxiety has in your life is shared by many Christians. They too, feel burdened by the way fear and worry interfere with everyday life. You are not alone in feeling that your perpetual upset seems to keep you at odds with a divine command to live without fear. Persistent fear does make it hard to enter into all that is available to you as a precious, beloved, child of the King.

But before you judge yourself too harshly, remember this: God knows your fear, that’s why he addresses it biblically more than 365 times. Every day you can read how normal you are for needing help and reassurance and how much he wants to comfort and deliver you.

Your anxiety is a shared struggle, not a shameful secret

Alright, so now you know that anxiety is not uncommon, but you likely wonder what it says about the quality of your faith. You’re not alone here, either. Too often, Christians amplify their worries by hiding their fear from each other and berating themselves for failing to be fearless.

It is vital that you understand that persistent anxiety, while a spiritual matter, can also be a stronghold in your neurobiology based on your experiences. Fear can be a deliverance issue, and it can also be a healing issue–I’ve seen and experienced both. But many Christians get hung up here, believing that anxiety is unacceptable for faithful members of the flock. The implication for anxiety sufferers is that deliverance and relief are withheld from Christians who just don’t have enough faith.

But that isn’t true.

You also needn’t believe the voice in your head or those few whispering in the church that you are a bad Christian for wanting and needing professional help.

Again, over 365 times in the scriptures the “fear not” command occurs, not because God wants to remind you to keep plugging away unsuccessfully, or pretending dishonestly, to be above the worry. He is lovingly letting you now that he wants you to seek his comfort and power.

The process of “good Christian-ness” we’re expected to undertake includes worshipping in spirit and truth, praying without ceasing, giving thanks in all things, and humbly making our requests known to our King. What qualifies you as a faithful Christian (in addition, of course, to believing and professing that Jesus is Lord, that he died for your sins, and that he rose from the dead) is that you are a willing participant in the process of engaging the resources he’s provided that help you fulfill that process. The Word tells us that if you have been born again, you have been transferred from the domain of darkness into the Kingdom of light. The resources include the obviously spiritual, like worshipping, reading the Word and praying, and inviting the work of the Holy Spirit in your life, and they might include godly professional counseling with techniques that heal the brain and nervous system wounds picked up as part of life in this fallen world.

Take a deep breath. Face the fear. You needn’t slink away in shame or self-recrimination. Anxiety-ridden moments are opportunities to seek God and God-honoring counsel.

Your anxiety does not disqualify you. Handled rightly, it can draw you closer to God

The reality? Panic feels destabilizing. Abuse hurts. Grief changes you. And memories can keep you stuck.

Too often, being a Christian makes us hope against the process of healing.

We want God to grant an immediate miracle of relief, or we get upset with ourselves when fear won’t go away just because we tell it to.

(Now, to be clear, YES God can and does do instant work sometimes! I know because I’ve experienced it.)

However, he also gave us emotions and nervous systems, and sometimes he grows us through a longer process of healing or sanctification. Anxiety (and anxiety disorders) can be an octopus of messy feelings, buried fear, future worries, and unsubstantiated upset that requires real, repetitive, cooperative work.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing, despite what we tell ourselves. The “be anxious for nothing” verse provides direction that shines a light on our Christian responsibility:

” …but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

What a relief! Why?

Because your being a good Christian isn’t reliant on being able to make yourself “fear not” on your own.

You cannot “fear not” without God. He says he will do the guarding and strengthening that is required. That’s not your job.

“Be anxious about nothing” is not about forced fearlessness. It is a humble willingness to do the daily work. And then allowing him to do his redeeming work on your behalf.

However you come by your anxiety—trauma, heredity, or reasons unknown—you are not abnormal, disgraced, or unqualified to be who God called you to be.

Christians struggle internally and suffer sometimes. But you are allowed to acknowledge it and seek relief, in Jesus’ Name.

Two Simple Questions to Create Change in the New Year (Without Making New Year’s Resolutions)

Two Simple Questions to Create Change in the New Year (Without Making New Year’s Resolutions)

by | Random

Are there some things you’d like to change in the new year, but you’ve become wary of setting new year’s resolutions because you’re tired of letting yourself down?

Have you set new year’s resolutions in the past, only to see your fast start dwindle to nothing as the weeks and months came and went?

If so, you’re not alone. There’s something about getting through the holidays that creates a desire for change in the new year. Whether too much indulgence or family stress exhausted you, or a refreshing holiday prompted a burst of enthusiasm for the new year, most people enter January pondering change. But, most of us can relate to having set ambitious goals in the past only to experience disappointment when we don’t follow through. So, is there a way to set goals for change and actually reach them? The answer is Yes! And, sometimes gentle, simple, baby-steps lead to the longest lasting changes.

Take Gentle, Simple, Baby Steps for Change

If you’re one of the few people out there who consistently set ambitious goals and follow through on detailed strategic plans to their ultimate fulfillment, this might not be the post for you. But, if you’re a perfectionist who sometimes follows through, but sometimes gets in your own way, or if you really never start because you’re intimidated by your own goals, this simpler approach could either be all you need, or it could be a catalyst for deeper commitment to change.

Before Asking the Two Questions, Get Prepared for Clarity

Before we dive into the two questions to create change, first make sure you’re feeling relaxed, calm, and in touch with what you want. How? Take a few of the following steps prior to sitting down with pencil and paper. You don’t have to do all of these. Just pick the ones that will get you into a peaceful frame of mind.

  • Spend three or four minutes taking some deep, rhythmic breaths using your diaphragm muscle to gently exhale all the way before you inhale deeply through your nose. Put your hand on your abdomen and feel the rise and fall of your breath. This calms the nervous system and enhances your creativity and decision-making ability. With each breath, gently feel your core expanding, your tummy relaxing, and let yourself do a few gentle neck rolls or stretches.
  • Go out for a walk or run, breathe rhythmically, and get some fresh air outside.
  • Take a hot shower or bath, or wrap yourself in your favorite warm blanket so that your muscles relax and you feel comforted and at ease.
  • Take some time to quit beating up on yourself if you have been, and let go of all the things you believe you “should” do, so that you can get in touch with what you really long to do. (I don’t mean letting go of your responsibilities or values, but creating the mental space to believe that you might just be able to get more of what you want in life without sacrificing your values or throwing anyone else under the bus.)

Ask Yourself Two Questions to Create Change in the New Year

OK, now that you have relaxed a bit, let go of some tension, and prepared your mind to think about your values and your longings, you’re ready to ask yourself two simple questions. Write down the answers, and spend as much or as little time as you like. You can come back to this any time!

  • What are three things I want more of?
  • What are three things I want less of?

Yep, those are the questions, and they are more powerful than you might think. Of course you don’t have to narrow it down to three of each right away. Brainstorm all the things you want more of and less of.

Want more free time? More fun? More healthfulness? More physical stamina? More social connection? More education? More adventure? More quiet or prayer time? More time outdoors? More quality time with loved ones? What else?

Want less hectic days? Less arguing at home? Less distraction from life goals? Less physical tension? Less TV or gaming time? Less anxiety or beating up on yourself? Less noise? What else?

Next, Brainstorm Ways to Make It Happen for a List of Daily—or Weekly— Action Items

When you frame what you want in terms of having more—or less—of something, you stop having to think in terms of absolutes. You can navigate a spectrum of change rather than an all-or-nothing approach that leads to failure and disappointment. Take each thing you want more or less of, and create a list of ways big and small to make it so.

For example, if you want more time outside, the list might include something simple, like going outside for five minutes before bed time to stare at the stars instead of checking your texts or emails one more time. It might include taking a fifteen minute walk at lunch instead of staring at a screen while you eat. Or, it might be researching five new hikes you want to take this year and carving out a calendar date for one each month, April to August. The idea is to create a range of items that take from five minutes to as long as it takes. This means you’ll always have a viable choice, no matter how hectic your day becomes.

Build a Track Record of Success: Check Your List Every Day and Pick Just One!

Now, keep your list of action items somewhere you’ll see it every day, and do at least one item every day from the list. Yep, just one. Now you can see why your list includes things that take five minutes, and things that could take hours. You’ll have some days when you just can’t face another big task. On those days, pick a simple five minute item. On the days when you have a little more ambition or time, pick something that will take more time or commitment.

By ticking off something from your list every day, no matter how small, you’ll keep taking baby steps towards the change you want to make. And, in the process, you’ll build a track record of success with yourself. That’s the real key to following through on your bigger dreams and goals: believing that you’ll really do them.

Little by little, you will weed things out of your life that don’t get you what you want, and you will add things that make you feel better. As you do the little things and feel good about them, you’ll gain momentum and find that you really can make more changes than you might imagine right now.

So, what do you want more of? What do you want less of? Go after the quality of life you want, one baby step at a time.

Learn more about changes I’ve made in my own life, and why I’m passionate about helping others change, too.