Try This Three Step Counseling Hack for Less Anxiety and More Clarity

Try This Three Step Counseling Hack for Less Anxiety and More Clarity

by | Anxiety

Anxiety Tends to Snowball. Try this Counseling Hack for Less Anxiety

Did you know that anxiety breeds more anxiety? I’ll bet if you suffer from anxiety, you already know that. You start out worrying about one thing, and the next thing you know, your mind is chewing away at everything you’ve worried about that day—or that week, month, year, or just about ever.

Or, maybe it starts with the physical feelings of anxiety, and you’re not even sure where they came from. But, now your mind starts throwing stressful reasons for your anxiety at you from every direction.

The trouble is, once anxious thoughts snowball into scores of worries, it gets very hard to know what to do to ease that anxiety. You need a way to break it down into manageable chunks so that you can use some tools to calm yourself down.

If snowballing, compounded anxiety sounds familiar, try this three step counseling hack for less anxiety and more clarity.

 

Borrow a Tool from Couples Counseling to Handle Anxiety Differently

When a conversation starts with criticism, contempt, or accusation, it is not likely to end well. According to a six year study of 124 couples (by Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute for Couples Counseling), the first three minutes of a difficult conversation are key to both the outcome of that discussion, and marital success as the years unfold.

But, what about the way we talk to ourselves as individuals? When you are experiencing anxiety, do you beat yourself up, say self-critical things, overreact because the problems seem so big, or put yourself down for how you feel or for your reactions? And, does that help you calm down? Of course not!

Just as couples can learn to have more effective conversations by starting them differently, you can also be more effective with yourself by creating healthier self-conversations about your worries.

So, borrow this counseling hack that was designed for use in discussion with others to reduce interpersonal defensiveness, blaming, and shaming—but apply it to your own thought process. It’s called the Gentle Start Up.

 

Try The Gentle Start-Up: a Couples Counseling Hack that Works Well for Individuals, Too!

It can be hard to sort out the tangled ball of emotions, thoughts, and possible actions we might take when we’re stressed, sad, or anxious. However, until we are clear on what’s really going on with ourselves, it is pretty hard to know what we need in upsetting circumstances.

Just as we need to sort through our emotions and needs before a couples conversation is going to be very effective, we need to do that for our own encounters with stress, too. If we don’t, we react and are at risk for hurting those around us, making poor decisions for ourselves, or generally freaking out (to use a clinical term).

The following three questions are part of what the Gottman’s call The Gentle Start-Up for couples. But, the questions are very clarifying for individuals, too.

 

Ask yourself three questions: “What am I feeling? What’s it really about? And, what do I need?”

 

What are you feeling?

Yep, here it is. This is a counseling blog, so we’re going to talk about feelings—as in, emotions. This can be a little trickier than we realize when we’re upset. “Wait a minute,” you say! “I’m upset, how hard is that to figure out?!” Well, what kind of upset are you?

Depending on who’s research you look at, there are somewhere between five and 10 main emotions. I call them “umbrella emotions” because the ways we really describe how we feel are all the words that fall under these overarching five:

Joy, Anger, Sadness, Fear, and Shame. For example:

    Joyful (ecstatic, happy, excited, glad, peaceful, pleased, content, grateful, etc.)

    Angry (enraged, peeved, irritated, frustrated, irked, annoyed, pissed off, etc.)

    Sad (bummed, down, blue, disappointed, devastated, lonely, etc.)

    Fear (anxious, worried, concerned, uptight, petrified, etc.)

    Shame (embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, etc.)

You’ll notice that these are pure feelings. They are the actual feelings and emotions you are having in the moment. Accurately describing your own feelings almost never begins with, “I feel that you…” or “I feel that it…” At that point, you’re usually about to give your opinion, rather than your emotion.

Focus on how you feel, and don’t be surprised if you identify more than one! It is really common to have a confusing mix of emotions, or to think you’re having one emotion, when maybe that one is really masking another.

For example, it’s common to have both fear and anger at the same time. Maybe what you are sure is pure anger (“I can’t believe they were late again; didn’t they know how important this was to me?”) is masking a deeper feeling of fear (“I’m getting worried that I’m not important to them anymore; I’m afraid maybe I don’t matter”).

Once you’ve identified what your own emotions are, you’ll decide what they’re really about.
 

What are your feelings really about?

This is where you get to move out of emotions and into your head. Let’s use a different example. You’re in your car, on your way to a lunch date. Someone in front of you is doing 5 mph under, you’ve missed the light, and it looks like you’re going to be late. You know you’re feeling frustrated. So, what are you frustrated about? (I know, I know, you’re torqued that no one knows how to drive.) But, beyond that:

    Are you frustrated because a tourist is going slowly, looking for street signs, and you haven’t had a vacation in two years?

    Are you frustrated because your boss ignored your need to leave the office on time…again?

    Are you frustrated because you’ve made a commitment to your partner that you’re going to be more punctual, but you lapsed into old habits and procrastinated this time?

You get the idea. This is the step where you sort out what your emotions are really about. Why is this important? Because you can’t fix a problem until you know what it is.

This brings us to the last step. Identifying what you really need.

 

What do you need in order to take care of what’s really bothering you?

Finally, we get where this is all headed. After you are clear on what’s going on internally, and what the real cause is, you are in a position to decide what you need: what you need to ask for, or what you need to do for yourself.

This is where a little self-knowledge and practice come in handy, but don’t worry if you’re not sure what you need at first. Slow down, and think about it. For example, do you know what you need when you are sad, as opposed to when you are angry? When you’re burned out at work, versus feeling powerless in your relationship?

When I’m anxious, I need to be gentle with myself, do some body-based relaxation and rhythmic breathing, reach out to talk to someone who cares about me, or reframe my thoughts to bring some balance back into my expectations. I sometimes need to cocoon, have a hot shower, or remind myself that I won’t always feel anxious.

But, when I’m angry, I need something different. It helps if I get outside and take a walk, expend some energy, and give myself some space to sort through what’s at the heart of my irritation. Sometimes it helps to discuss it with a trusted friend who can help me see things clearly rather than seeing red.

In addition to knowing what you need related to your feelings, you can also learn what you need for different problem areas.

Do you need to plan a three day weekend retreat and evaluate your job satisfaction? Or, do you need to buck up and finally have that talk with your spouse about what’s been on your mind? Do you know when you need to retreat, versus needing to act or speak up?

If you’re not sure, yet, don’t worry. This process takes time, but the more you use it, the more quickly you’ll know what you need in the face of certain emotions or issues.

 

Wrapping Up: Use the Gentle Start-Up to Reduce Anxiety and Gain Clarity

Knowing what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling that way is a great first step toward making a wise decision about what to do next, or what needs to change. Untangling your feelings, thoughts, and needs isn’t always easy. But, one nice thing about this exercise is that the more you do it, the easier the questions are to answer. As you get used to separating your feelings from the reasons for them, you can develop a wider range of ways to get your needs met.

Then, whether you are meeting your own needs, or asking others for what you need, you increase the chances that you’ll feel better, faster.
 
Reference:
Carrere, S., and Gottman, J.M., (1999). Predicting Divorce among Newlyweds from the First Three Minutes of a Marital Conflict Discussion, Family Process, Vol. 38(3), 293-301

Fear Factors and Faith: Why Your Anxiety Doesn’t Make You a Bad Christian

Fear Factors and Faith: Why Your Anxiety Doesn’t Make You a Bad Christian

by | Anxiety, Christian

Christian Anxiety. That should be an oxymoron, right?

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

Isaiah 41:10 (NKJV)

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:6-8 (NKJV)

Fear not. Do not be dismayed. Be anxious for nothing.

Those are the directives. You are a Christian. You want to obey.

So, why then, are you still afraid?

Well, we live in a fallen world, and the Word tells us that we have a spiritual enemy who seeks to steal and destroy. He wants very much to steal our peace and joy, and to destroy our faith. And, when life falls apart, the people you love fail you, or it feels like you’re under attack, the world can feel scary. No matter who you are or what you believe. Even when you know where your hope lies, it can still take a toll.

Anxiety often comes with human territory. And some of us have it worse than others.

Is Christian Anxiety a thing? Yes, good Christians can get anxious

All Christians struggle and suffer. It’s important to grasp that we were created with nervous systems designed to respond to the trials and traumas of life. Your responses simply may have shifted into overdrive. To hide or deny them can simply create a cycle of shame you don’t have to endure. Now, God might very well be calling you to a life of increased faith, sanctification, nervous system healing, and a greater revelation of who He is in response to the anxiety you experience. But, it is the enemy of our souls who wants to keep us ashamed of our need for maturity, growth, and healing.

Your frustration with the power that anxiety has in your life is shared by many Christians. They too, feel burdened by the way fear and worry interfere with everyday life. You are not alone in feeling that your perpetual upset seems to keep you at odds with a divine command to live without fear. Persistent fear does make it hard to enter into all that is available to you as a precious, beloved, child of the King.

But before you judge yourself too harshly, remember this: God knows your fear, that’s why he addresses it biblically more than 365 times. Every day you can read how normal you are for needing help and reassurance and how much he wants to comfort and deliver you.

Your anxiety is a shared struggle, not a shameful secret

Alright, so now you know that anxiety is not uncommon, but you likely wonder what it says about the quality of your faith. You’re not alone here, either. Too often, Christians amplify their worries by hiding their fear from each other and berating themselves for failing to be fearless.

It is vital that you understand that persistent anxiety, while a spiritual matter, can also be a stronghold in your neurobiology based on your experiences. Fear can be a deliverance issue, and it can also be a healing issue–I’ve seen and experienced both. But many Christians get hung up here, believing that anxiety is unacceptable for faithful members of the flock. The implication for anxiety sufferers is that deliverance and relief are withheld from Christians who just don’t have enough faith.

But that isn’t true.

You also needn’t believe the voice in your head or those few whispering in the church that you are a bad Christian for wanting and needing professional help.

Again, over 365 times in the scriptures the “fear not” command occurs, not because God wants to remind you to keep plugging away unsuccessfully, or pretending dishonestly, to be above the worry. He is lovingly letting you now that he wants you to seek his comfort and power.

The process of “good Christian-ness” we’re expected to undertake includes worshipping in spirit and truth, praying without ceasing, giving thanks in all things, and humbly making our requests known to our King. What qualifies you as a faithful Christian (in addition, of course, to believing and professing that Jesus is Lord, that he died for your sins, and that he rose from the dead) is that you are a willing participant in the process of engaging the resources he’s provided that help you fulfill that process. The Word tells us that if you have been born again, you have been transferred from the domain of darkness into the Kingdom of light. The resources include the obviously spiritual, like worshipping, reading the Word and praying, and inviting the work of the Holy Spirit in your life, and they might include godly professional counseling with techniques that heal the brain and nervous system wounds picked up as part of life in this fallen world.

Take a deep breath. Face the fear. You needn’t slink away in shame or self-recrimination. Anxiety-ridden moments are opportunities to seek God and God-honoring counsel.

Your anxiety does not disqualify you. Handled rightly, it can draw you closer to God

The reality? Panic feels destabilizing. Abuse hurts. Grief changes you. And memories can keep you stuck.

Too often, being a Christian makes us hope against the process of healing.

We want God to grant an immediate miracle of relief, or we get upset with ourselves when fear won’t go away just because we tell it to.

(Now, to be clear, YES God can and does do instant work sometimes! I know because I’ve experienced it.)

However, he also gave us emotions and nervous systems, and sometimes he grows us through a longer process of healing or sanctification. Anxiety (and anxiety disorders) can be an octopus of messy feelings, buried fear, future worries, and unsubstantiated upset that requires real, repetitive, cooperative work.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing, despite what we tell ourselves. The “be anxious for nothing” verse provides direction that shines a light on our Christian responsibility:

” …but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

What a relief! Why?

Because your being a good Christian isn’t reliant on being able to make yourself “fear not” on your own.

You cannot “fear not” without God. He says he will do the guarding and strengthening that is required. That’s not your job.

“Be anxious about nothing” is not about forced fearlessness. It is a humble willingness to do the daily work. And then allowing him to do his redeeming work on your behalf.

However you come by your anxiety—trauma, heredity, or reasons unknown—you are not abnormal, disgraced, or unqualified to be who God called you to be.

Christians struggle internally and suffer sometimes. But you are allowed to acknowledge it and seek relief, in Jesus’ Name.

Rewire Your Brain for Less Anxiety and More Love and Acceptance

Rewire Your Brain for Less Anxiety and More Love and Acceptance

by | Relationships, Anxiety

Rewire Your Brain for Less Anxiety & More Love and Acceptance

Is it possible to rewire your brain? Brains are all the rage right now. From the brains of concussed pro football players to those of the tiniest fetus. We can’t get enough.

A quick Google search will highlight a wealth of articles like these:

• 10 Ways to Boost Your Brainpower
• How to Fuel Your Brain with Superfoods
• Can You Rewire Your Brain?
• What Your Brain Scan Says about Your Social Status

And then there are all the books and websites that implore you to rewire your brain for this or that:

• Rewire Your Brain to Break Bad Habits or Addiction
• Rewire Your Brain for Weight Loss Success
• Rewire Your Brain to Be Positive and Productive

Ah. Those are the ones that really reel us in, don’t they?

Why? Because they promise something most of us long for: lasting change in areas we thought were unchangeable.

We’re not as “stuck” as we think we are

Who wouldn’t want to be rewired? To literally retrain our minds away from some of that ineffective childhood programming? To sever the wiring that supports the sneaky negativity that accompanied a troubling break up or traumatic life transition?

Well, the science says you’re in luck. It is very possible to improve your life and retrain your brain in some of the most important and satisfying areas of your life.

How? The experts call it neuroplasticity. Essentially, the brain is not the genetically fixed organ scientists once believed. The brain can change, and so can your behavior with intentional retraining. It’s a matter of growing new “wiring” or neural pathways to replace the problematic ones. And that bit of scientific knowledge changes everything!

Wow. You’re not stuck with the anxiety that plagues you. You can love differently and deeply. You are able to accept yourself and others and finally move forward!

So, what does it look like to rewire your brain?

To really take advantage of your brain’s ability to change, you need to address your thought life, relationships, and a genuine ability to reflect on both gratefully. Consider the following:

Rewire Your Brain to Lose the Weight of Anxiety

Neuroscientific research indicates that some degree of anxiety is normal and even optimal for neuroplasticity. After all, fight or flight is necessary at times. Still, too much or too little anxiety is not helpful. Many scientists, including researcher John B. Arden, Ph. D, author of, “Rewire Your Brain: Think Your Way to a Better Life,” note that it is possible to tap into your own parasympathetic nervous system in an effort to calm yourself down.

The key to managing anxiety? Confront it and make it useful for you.

Essentially, it is important to engage your thoughts and challenge your automatic responses (including your body’s responses) to people so that new neural pathways begin retraining your brain.

• Do something daily to reduce stress. Regular breathing exercises throughout the day. Get outside for a walk. Practice prayer or meditation.

• Ask yourself questions regarding the reality of your perceptions. Are you unsafe? Or do you feel unsafe? Noting the difference when you feel anxious can help.

• Face your fears rather than avoiding them. Go out of your way to make eye contact, connect, and push past the fear of doing so.

The research says this will help strengthen your vagus nerve, thereby improving “vagal tone.” This is a neural network that soothes the stress response so that you can calm down, accurately read a situation, and connect with other people safely.

Retrain your Brain to Gain More Love and Acceptance

Your brain is extremely sensitive to the signal and intentions of others. Your brain’s mirror neurons allow you to mirror someone else, or to feel what they feel without even thinking it. It’s like “brain empathy.”

To rewire your brain for more love and acceptance, it is important to routinely and actively engage the mirror neuron system in healthful ways.

• Identify relationships that you enjoy and look forward to. Reach out to that person regularly to build a strong love and acceptance “wiring” in your brain.

• Volunteer your time or give to your community in some way routinely in ways that connect you with others.

Fully develop that empathetic sensibility.

According to Dr. Arden, “Some researchers have proposed that experiencing empathy and compassion through the mirror neuron system is equivalent to having compassion for yourself.” Thus, “giving is receiving” is a brain-based truth. Insensitivity and selfishness are essentially bad for your brain and your mental health. In contrast, compassion (including self-compassion) and loving relationships are good for your brain and your mental health.

Rewire your Brain to Enjoy a Life of Gratitude

In 2009, the National Institutes of Health (NIH) released a study indicating that the region of our brains called the hypothalamus swings into action when we feel gratitude, or behave kindly. Why is that a big deal? Because the hypothalamus is a big deal. It regulates appetite, sleep patterns, body temperature, metabolism, and growth, among other bodily functions. So this research seems to reveal that gratitude is integral to our happiness. In fact, we really can’t function well without it.

That really is a big deal.

Research shows too, that gratitude is addictive—in a good way. Both performing acts of kindness and experiencing true gratitude releases dopamine, helping to form strong neural pathways and motivate us to seek out that natural high again and again by giving thanks and doing good things for others.

It’s also then that the mirror neuron system comes into play again, as it is the part of the brain involved in mindfulness prayer and meditation. Those practices, used for periods of grateful reflection, help rewire the brain for calm and focus, thus promoting better health and deeper connections with other people.

If you’re ready for real change, develop a new mindful attitude of gratefulness, step outside your routine to serve others in community with a supportive group of people, and look into ways that develop new body-based responses to stress.

Many people can make big improvements on their own with these methods. But, if change feels overwhelming or elusive, support from a trusted friend, pastor, mentor, or therapist can really help. Whether it’s working with me, or setting up accountability and support with a friend, don’t wait to start reprogramming yourself for less anxiety and more acceptance.

Is it Anxiety or PTSD?

Is it Anxiety or PTSD?

by | Anxiety, Trauma

Lots of people can relate to being anxious, and wonder if they have anxiety or PTSD.

Sometimes the feelings are mild: slightly elevated heart rate or blood pressure, some discomfort in social settings, or too many thoughts to get back to sleep easily. Other times, experiences of anxiety are really debilitating: panic attacks that make the heart race and leave a person feeling like they are having a heart attack, or physical symptoms resulting from obsessive worry about all the “what ifs” involved with an upcoming event.

There are many types of anxiety. Social anxiety, generalized anxiety, acute stress disorder, and phobias all fall under the “anxiety disorder” umbrella, among others. But, up until 2013, so did Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). And, with quite a lot of overlap in symptoms whether it’s anxiety or PTSD, it can be hard to distinguish the variety of anxiety disorders from PTSD, which the newest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders now calls a “trauma and stressor-related disorder.”

So, what is trauma?

It would be so much simpler if we could just identify which stressful experiences are “traumas,” and which aren’t. The trouble is that trauma isn’t in the event itself. It’s in each person’s experience of the event—even an event that happened to someone else, but was witnessed—and how his or her brain and nervous system perceive and process the threat.

You might not necessarily tie a traumatic event to your anxious thoughts and feelings, or even realize you experienced “trauma.” You might think you just feel bad. You might want help for your persistent nervousness or tools to manage the unexplained panic that comes “out of nowhere.” You may be frustrated by how out of control you feel when you’re stressed.

There is some complex neurobiology at work in a brain that perceives an event as traumatic. But, when most people think about anxiety and trauma, they think about their experiences. Let’s look at those.

How Do Anxiety and PTSD Compare?

There are clear symptomatic similarities. Anxiety and PTSD affect sleep and energy. They both impact disposition and mood. They both fuel a need to be alert and exhaustingly on guard. Both conditions generate fear and worry surrounding non-imminent threats.

For the most part, typical anxiety is often generated without an actual precipitating situation.  Thoughts present in anxiety disorders do not necessarily relate to past events, and no real circumstance needs to drive the upset. The worry and fear are real, but the cause is often based on unsupported assumptions.

On the other hand, PTSD’s symptoms are driven by a significantly different force than other anxiety types. Suffering occurs because frightful circumstances are not imagined. Something frightful actually happened, and in fact, a person with PTSD experiences the symptoms as if the event was happening again and again.

While anxiety symptoms and PTSD symptoms can overlap, PTSD is always related to traumatic and stressful past events.

You might ask, “Isn’t social anxiety sometimes linked to stressful past social situations, for example?” Sometimes, but it’s much more usual that anxieties are not specifically related to a certain past event. For example, the stressful thoughts suffered by someone with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder are not usually provoked by past experiences.

But, PTSD is always related to specific past events. It might be a one-time event in adulthood, like a horrific car accident. It could be a series of events over a period of time like many combat veterans experience. Or, it might be the ongoing developmental or complex traumatic stress experienced in childhood or later developmental years. Whatever the event(s), traumatic stress disorders have their roots in past events, and they can produce many symptoms in a sufferer’s current life.

PTSD is much more than fear and worry related to the frightening circumstance.

Enduring something so frightening or terrible that our very existence is threatened—or perceived to have been threatened— has the power to change not only perceptions, but the nervous system itself.

In fact, trauma survivors are distinctly and uniquely affected as the nervous system adapts to what it perceives as a more dangerous world in the aftermath of trauma. It is an inability to release oneself from the emotional, mental, and bodily sensations that accompanied that experience. It’s like the traumatic event or events are still happening. The brain and nervous system find ways to compensate for the perception of danger, and distinct symptoms result.

Let’s compare common symptoms of anxiety unrelated to trauma and common PTSD symptoms.

Anxiety Symptoms

  • Fatigue and restlessness
  • Hypervigilance
  • Irritability
  • Excessive, persistent worry
  • Intrusive, fearful thoughts
  • Difficulty with sleeping, digestion, and tension
  • Reduced concentration
  • Racing heart, sense of doom

Although many of these are also associated with PTSD, Traumatic Stress Symptoms Fall into Four Categories, and Include:

  • Re-experiencing symptoms, such as nightmares and dissociative flashbacks, or intense distress related to triggers some parts of the event, and/or having bodily sensations specifically associated with the traumatic event.
  • Avoidance symptoms, such as avoiding any people, places, actions, words or objects related to the event, and feeling detached, “spaced out,” or emotionally numb.
  • Negative thoughts and mood, including difficulty remembering important parts of the event(s), ongoing negative moods and trouble having positive experiences.
  • Arousal symptoms such as irritability, angry outbursts, recklessness, self-destructive actions, watchfulness or edginess, feeling easily startled, poor concentration, sleep problems.

While some anxiety symptoms and PTSD symptoms clearly overlap, the difference is that with anxiety, the intrusive thoughts, persistent worry, and other difficulties are generally not tied to a specific or past event, whereas in PTSD, they are.

PTSD impairs your ability to recover from overwhelming events, or to establish healthy thought patterns and relationships. It deserves to be set apart from standard anxiety disorders for good reason. To recover is possible, but the care of a well-trained therapist using safe, effective, research-based methods can be crucial.

How about you? Are you anxious and unsure why?

Do you need help distinguishing the way you feel now from what you endured in the past? Or, are you unsure if your current symptoms are related to anxiety or PTSD? Getting answers to these questions and gently working it out with a compassionate, skilled trauma therapist can make all the difference.

5 Steps for Anxious Overachievers if Stress is Ruining Happiness

5 Steps for Anxious Overachievers if Stress is Ruining Happiness

by | Anxiety

You have that one friend who gets it all done. All of it. The classic overachiever.

Everybody knows that she’ll win the awards, earn the degrees, chair the committee, keep an immaculate home, and get the raise. All the while smiling and keeping fit enough to wear super sharp clothes.

She’s good at everything and looks good while she’s at it.

And secretly, she’s a wreck. Being an overachiever is exhausting work and her drive isn’t fueled by superhuman motivation or divine inner strength. It’s good old-fashioned anxiety.

She’s a classic anxious overachiever.  She’s afraid she really isn’t good enough, smart enough, strong enough. And if she doesn’t keep moving someone will find her out.

Experts have a name for it. Imposter syndrome.

Can you relate?

The Anxious Overachiever and Imposter Syndrome

  • Was your business idea just good timing?
  • Is your wealth just a lucky break?
  • Does that promotion really reflect how good you are at your job or is it simply that your boss thinks more of you than he should?

Impostor syndrome puts a name to the inner turmoil many successful people feel at not being able to enjoy, embrace, or accept their own successes.

If you cope with this syndrome, you might experience life on a continuum of self-doubt and even self-loathing regarding your accomplishments. Even despite solid, positive evidence of your strengths, talents, competencies, and leadership.

You may be routinely plagued by thoughts that you’re a fraud and don’t actually deserve the good fortune and benefits that accompany your achievements. Worse, you may even engage in some measure of self-sabotage to compensate for the success you feel is undeserved.

The Anxious Overachiever and Self-Sabotage

Sadly, many overachievers allow their feelings of self-doubt and worry to fester and grow. Unprocessed and unexplored, this sense of phoniness and inauthenticity exacerbates a need to balance things out.

Amid the overachieving, you might simultaneously engage in behavior that undermines your success or directs attention away from yourself. You may throw yourself into people pleasing, excessive diligence, procrastination, even hiding your qualifications or capabilities and negating any incoming praise.

In addition, anxious overachievers tend to ride themselves with merciless self-talk.

Inner criticism and reflection on mistakes are constant. So much so that many an overachiever resists trying areas of business, less certain realms of work, or any new experience for fear that they won’t be as successful. Staying stuck then fulfills their own self-doubt.

All the while, they continue to climb the ladder of certain success in hopes of someday feeling worthy of the accolades. Hoping sometime to be at peace and content with what they have to offer their loved ones, workplace, and communities.

Unfortunately, relentless drive and crossed fingers won’t make you feel worthy or quell your anxiety. However, there are steps you can take to interrupt and challenge the effect being an overachiever with imposter syndrome has on you and your life.

5 Steps to Overcoming Impostor Syndrome

What can you do to deal with your fear of being discovered as an imposter, or of letting yourself down?
Consider these helpful steps for coping with and overcoming impostor syndrome:

1) Identify problematic thought patterns

Anxious thoughts often race in and out without being challenged. And, sometimes we can’t believe everything we think!

Slow things down, breathe.

Become aware of and identify thoughts that support the false notion that you are an undeserving imposter. Just noticing and naming them will help you feel more in control and able to choose whether to indulge them. Research indicates that naming our troubling emotions (anxiety, embarrassment, shame) helps reduce them. Noticing the thoughts that lead to upsetting emotions can help you pinpoint which thoughts you might need to challenge.

2) Acknowledge your own abilities and achievements

You accept responsibility for your losses and mistakes, right? Well, give your wins equal treatment. To maintain a balanced view, simply list the things you do well and list those that need improvement.

If you’re so used to dwelling on your perfectly human faults rather than your strengths that you can’t list your positive traits and successes, or you explain your successes away, try to find a pattern of positive comments you’ve received from others over the years. Have teachers, coaches, supervisors, friends, or others noticed the same things? Challenge yourself to believe them.

3) Assign yourself value appropriately

When certain tasks or skills come easily, you may think the right and humble thing to do is downplay your abilities. Sometimes indulging imposter syndrome seems like a healthy dose of humility. However, recognize that humility is not rooted in self-deprecation or fear.

True humility is an accurate, honest, balanced appraisal of yourself. You know how you think about your best friend or favorite boss? You know them pretty well, and you admire them for their strengths. You also know their blind spots and weaknesses, but you think well of them anyway, and dwell on all the reasons you like them. Just treat yourself the same way.

4) Focus on your contribution, not comparisons or perfection

Recognize that what you bring to the table is enough. Whether your contribution is perfect, fully formed or comparable to the guy’s in the seat next to you is immaterial. Someone once said that we seem to compare our worst self with everybody else’s best self. But the only healthy way to set goals for growth, change, and performance is to compare yourself to where you’ve been, and set goals for where you’re going.

Now, I know some environments are competitive. In fact, I’ve done straight commission sales and competed in sports, and I know that sometimes we set goals to compete against others. But the best way to be competitive is to create a plan of growth and performance that is based on that honest appraisal of ourselves, weaknesses to train, and strengths to utilize.

No one is perfect. No one knows it all. Your piece of the puzzle may be perfect for the moment. Your bit of knowledge may help it all come together. Focus on being a helpful and positive part of your family and community. You’ll find it much more satisfying.

5) Keep sharing what you know

One of the simplest tactics for overcoming impostor syndrome? Intentionally teach and guide others. Your success indicates that you know more than you may be giving yourself credit for. Is there someone you could mentor? Maybe even someone who seems a little anxious and could use some help with a balanced self-assessment?

Allowing others to benefit from your expertise may help you acknowledge the value and reality of what you have to offer those around you.

Anxious Overachievers Have Trouble Asking for Help

If you identify with feeling the need to keep striving so that none of the plates you’re spinning in the air will fall, you probably scrutinize yourself on a daily basis, judging yourself throughout the day. But sometimes it’s hard to see yourself clearly.

Talk to someone you trust. Someone authentic, who accepts him- or herself, warts and all, and who doesn’t mind being real. Maybe this is a good friend or relative, a pastor, or a teacher. Or, an objective, confidential, professional counselor. Talking to someone objective and down to earth can help you calm down and safely sift through your thoughts and worries.

Together, face your fears about being a fraud and move forward. Encouraged, you can be authentically you. You’re unique. The world doesn’t need any more knock-offs. It needs you, being you.

What Students Need to Know about College Anxiety

What Students Need to Know about College Anxiety

by | Anxiety

This isn’t going to be a blog post on “Three Tips for College Anxiety.”  Believe me, I know test anxiety and other symptoms are real, and if you are experiencing them, you need real strategies.  That’s why in my counseling practice we start with specific tools for alleviating anxiety as soon as possible.  But, what if some aspects of college anxiety are different?

Anxiety In College Can Be Rough

If you’re a college student, maybe you can relate.  You finish a test or turn in a term paper.  Whew!  Relief.  Then, whether it’s a few days later, or just a few minutes, that sense of pressured anxiety settles right back down on you.  It’s more or less always there.  It’s the next test, the next semester, and the biggie…Your Future.

You know there’s a lot you have to get figured out.  The pressure takes many forms:  choosing a major, alleviating your parents’ concerns, or wondering how your degree will pay off your student loans.  Whatever form the pressure takes, it always seems to be there.  If you’re the student, I don’t have to describe the feeling for you.  If you’re the parent of a stressed out college student, you might be wondering how to help.

When I was an anxious freshman at Washington State, my own dad said, “You’ve got the next four years to figure it out.”  He was trying to encourage me!  But, a lot of my friends and I had picked up a similar message:  I’ll graduate high school and go to college, where I’ll have to figure everything out.  Then I can start my life.

College Is Real Life

It’s easy to see why we sometimes view college as an interim to pass through on our way to real life.  It is literally structured as a series of requirements to complete (classes, assignments, tests).  There are also bigger hurdles: picking a major, finishing degree requirements.  You have to make some choices (to figure it out), but once you have, you can check off the to-do’s.  Still, other things are less clear:  how to create a career from a degree, where to work, all the stuff.

Hmmm.  Sounds a little like the rest of life:  specific tasks (opening your business every morning, doing your quarterly taxes) within an unknown future (will I get married, will I succeed in my career, can I support my aging parents?).  The point is that college is real life.  Maybe two to eight years of it!  It’s not just something to complete before your real life starts.  So, learning how to handle your college anxiety might just be the most important “graduation requirement” you fulfill, the most important thing to figure out.

Enjoy Life Before Graduation to Enjoy Life After Graduation

Students who develop healthy stress management in college are well prepared to enjoy life after the diploma, whatever it brings.  That’s why I love helping anxious college students get a handle on anxiety, forgive themselves for imperfection, and enjoy life before they’ve got it all figured out.  From there, a student can ask, “What do I want my life to be about?  What will my compass be no matter what I major in?”  From there, sustained motivation for work and passion for life can grow beyond anxiety.  Hoping for a confident outlook on life doesn’t have to wait for graduation.

I counsel students from Washington State University and the University of Idaho in Moscow. Learn more.