5 Reasons Marriage Counseling Intensives Work

5 Reasons Marriage Counseling Intensives Work

by | Relationships

5 Reasons a 2-Day Couples Counseling Intensive Can Transform Your Marriage

When a relationship feels stuck, many couples turn to weekly counseling. While it can help, and I have seen beautiful transformations, progress can be slow because conversations get interrupted by the clock and diluted by daily life between sessions. A 2-day couples counseling intensive offers a different experience—one that aligns with how the brain learns, how behavioral change sticks, and how secure attachment bonds are repaired.

A 2-day marriage intensive takes advantage of how we catalog experiences, and couples can make the most of this advantage by stepping outside their life-as-usual routines to focus on creating something new between them: something they love.

In addition to the five reasons we will explore below, a 2-day counseling intensive interrupts daily patterns and habits. Local couples might choose a stay-cation here in the Moscow/Pullman area by booking a night or two in a hotel or AirBnB for their intensive. Other couples from throughout the Pacific Northwest might make a 4-day weekend of it, traveling to the beautiful Palouse and a change of scene for their immersive counseling experience.

Either way, their minds and hearts are primed to bring more creativity to their relationship by stepping outside their daily experiences.

Here are five reasons this approach works so well.

1. No Stop-and-Start — Months’ Worth of Progress in Days

This benefit is touted everywhere you read about marriage intensives. But, how is it possible to concentrate months’ worth of couples counseling into just two days? There are a few reasons.

Planning and Preparing for Your Intensive

First, while the couple participates in two days of immersive counseling experience, the process begins before they even arrive. Once we’ve had a meeting online and the intensive is booked, I send out deeply planned and carefully chosen questionnaires and articles.

Not only does receiving these completed questions help me to prepare a tailored experience for every couple, completing them also prepares the couple. By doing the work to think deeply about the questions designed to get at the crux of what we need to do, couples are priming the pump to think in new ways about their relationships, their partners, and themselves.

And, the minute I receive them, that couple is on my mind and in my planning, tailoring the upcoming experience to their needs.

Couples Intensives Provide the Luxury of Uninterrupted Time

Weekly counseling often means warming up, starting to address something important… and then stopping before it’s resolved. Each person has come to counseling from the midst of their own day with its frustrations, hurries, and irritations.

Often, time in sessions has to be spent changing gears and dealing with or setting aside the “fight of the week” before the couple is ready to settle down. Even when good weekly work happens, that interruption can leave the nervous system unsettled and the learning incomplete.

In an intensive, there’s no stop and start. You cover months’ worth of work in one concentrated stretch. Just adding up the hours shows how many months it would take to cover the actual number of hours in an intensive format.

But, a marriage intensive is more than just the sum of its hours. Stepping away from daily life allows for total focus, connection outside of therapy over the course of the weekend, and space to unwind between sessions—so each conversation builds on the last, reinforcing both emotional safety and momentum.

2. Immersive Couples Work That Reaches Long-Term Memory

From a neuroscience perspective, the brain moves new experiences from short-term storage (the hippocampus) into long-term memory through repetition, emotional significance, and focused attention. Weekly sessions often lack the sustained immersion needed for this transfer.

A 2-day intensive is immersive and experiential—you engage for hours in emotionally meaningful, relevant practice. This activates the neuroplasticity that rewires old relational patterns. Emotional and sensory-rich learning “tags” the experience for your brain, making it easier to retrieve and apply in future moments. In other words, you’re not just hearing about new ways to relate—you’re living them long enough for your nervous system to remember.

(I can just hear it now, though. “I don’t think I can take hours of the kind of interactions we have!” Don’t worry, we’ll cover that in point #4 below!)

3. Marriage Intensives Allow Enough Space for Every Voice

Attachment research shows that secure connection develops when partners feel heard, understood, and emotionally safe. But, that’s not how most couples come into counseling! And, that can’t happen in a rush—especially if one partner takes longer to trust or self-regulate.

A couples intensive offers room and time for each person to be truly heard and helped. There’s space for both gentle practice and the “big conversations” couples may avoid in weekly sessions. Couples who are conflict-avoidant can take the time to open up; couples who get escalated can take the time to calm down. This pace allows the nervous system to shift from defensive reactivity into openness and connection—the foundation of secure attachment.

Each day of a 2-day couples intensive is carefully planned with the timing of education, exploration, and practice considered for the best results. This includes well-timed breaks and different types of exercises, conversations, and methods. And, there is ample lunch and evening free time to decompress, do something relaxing, or just have an early night with a long sleep to recharge.

4. Learning Plus Coached Experiential Practice

Change doesn’t come from information alone—it comes from integrated learning, where understanding and action meet. In a marriage intensive, you receive education PLUS coached experiential practice.

I will not let you practice the problems that go on at home unchecked. Sometimes, clients wonder how they will stand to do so many hours of marriage or relationship therapy in one weekend. I understand! If your relationship is stuck, of course you do not want to repeat painful, unproductive patterns hour after hour! You’ve had it with that! That is where an expertly guided couples intensive comes in. It will not be the same-old, same-old.

Based on the work you do in advance, I’ll have created a tailored, structured play-book for you. You’ll each have a hard-copy during your intensive weekend, and you’ll take it home with you, too. Because you’ve already experimented and practiced with these tools in the safety of the sessions, your brain has linked the skill to a felt sense of connection with your partner. This emotional encoding makes it more likely you’ll reach for those tools in moments of stress, rather than defaulting to old habits.

5. Customized Support and Follow-Through After Your Intensive

While all good relationship therapy is personalized, an intensive benefits from significant prep—including pre-intensive questionnaires—so the time is spent on exactly what matters most to your relationship.

Afterward, you don’t just leave with insights. You have a play-book, built-in follow-up, and a shared experience of successful connection that becomes a reference point in your relationship’s emotional memory. These anchors make it easier to sustain change long after the intensive weekend is over.

The Takeaways

When neuroscience, attachment science, and practical relationship tools come together (and for those who wish, incorporation of their Biblical faith and identity in Jesus), real transformation can happen quickly. A couples counseling intensive isn’t just “more hours in a short time”—it’s the right kind of hours, arranged in a way that your brain and heart are most able to remember, repeat, and rely on.

 

Liz Miller, LPC – Licensed Professional Counselor in Idaho, LMHC – Licensed Mental Health Counseling in Washington. Serving residents of Idaho and Washington.

Book Your 2-Day Couples Weekend Intensive
Tame Your Relationship Conflict Cycle with EFT Couple Therapy

Tame Your Relationship Conflict Cycle with EFT Couple Therapy

by | Videos, Relationships

Tame Your Relationship Conflict Cycle with EFT Couple Therapy

Have you ever noticed that when there is conflict—or stalemate—in your relationship, it feels like you are stuck in a déjà vu cycle? You’ve experienced this before. The same argument, tense silence, or hurt feelings happen again and again. You don’t like getting sucked into the same conflict over and over, but it seems hard to break the cycle. You want the closeness you once had, and you’d like things to get back to normal so you can enjoy each other again. You’d like to know how to tame your relationship conflict cycle, but you’re confused about why you can’t.
 

Understand Your Relationship Conflict Cycle

Well, I have some good news, and some bad news. First, the good news. Although falling into that predictable cycle of conflict in your relationship isn’t any fun, there are actually some predictable—even good—reasons why it happens. The patterns we fall into with the important people in our lives occur because we are all trying to get our relational needs met. Most couples would like to get back to closeness and normalcy, and they’re usually trying pretty hard to get there. Unfortunately, they’ve fallen into patterns that just aren’t working anymore, and what one person is trying is actually driving the other person away or causing the other person to dig in even harder (and vice versa). So, the good news is that these patterns are understandable (with some help), and can be changed to restore closeness.

So, what’s the bad news? The bad news is that if you’ve been stuck in a stressful or hurtful relationship conflict cycle for awhile, there might be a lot of damage to repair. The cycle might have caused one person to completely shut down, or the other person to get really frantic in their attempts to hash things out. You might feel really hurt and wonder if your relationship can ever be restored to what it once was.
 

EFT Couple Therapy Can Help Tame Your Relationship Conflict Cycle

In the wonderful video above, my colleague, Sharon Mead, LMFT, illustrates just how the cycle can get started, and what each person is usually trying to achieve with their own style of communication or conflict. To be sure, these strategies to get relationship needs met often become painful and damaging to both parties. But, once you understand that both of you are trying to get your needs met—even if the methods aren’t working—then you can notice what’s happening and slow it all down to see what is really needed. In EFT Couple Therapy, we call this de-escalating the cycle.

A skilled EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) couple therapist can help you de-escalate your cycle of conflict, understand your own needs and those of your spouse, and find new ways to turn towards each other in ways that create interpersonal safety rather than pushing each other’s buttons. Once you’re feeling close and safe again with each other, it becomes so much easier to then work through any specific issues you might be having trouble working out.
 

Watch the video and see if you can spot your own relationship cycle.

For some couples, the cycle gets loud and argumentative. These couples can experience a volatile relationship cycle. For others, it looks more like a slow shutting down of real communication and closeness, even if there aren’t actual arguments. For these couples, their marriage can start to feel more like a roommate relationship, where each person walks on eggshells a little bit and important issues just never get brought up again.

No matter how your particular relationship conflict cycle shows up, just know that there are logical reasons for why your cycle appears the way it does, and EFT Couple Therapy could be the answer to restoring the closeness and happiness you long for.
 

This video, Taming the Cycle: a Tale from EFT Couple Therapy, is used with express permission by its creator, Sharon Mead, LMFT.

Rewire Your Brain for Less Anxiety and More Love and Acceptance

Rewire Your Brain for Less Anxiety and More Love and Acceptance

by | Relationships, Anxiety

Rewire Your Brain for Less Anxiety & More Love and Acceptance

Is it possible to rewire your brain? Brains are all the rage right now. From the brains of concussed pro football players to those of the tiniest fetus. We can’t get enough.

A quick Google search will highlight a wealth of articles like these:

• 10 Ways to Boost Your Brainpower
• How to Fuel Your Brain with Superfoods
• Can You Rewire Your Brain?
• What Your Brain Scan Says about Your Social Status

And then there are all the books and websites that implore you to rewire your brain for this or that:

• Rewire Your Brain to Break Bad Habits or Addiction
• Rewire Your Brain for Weight Loss Success
• Rewire Your Brain to Be Positive and Productive

Ah. Those are the ones that really reel us in, don’t they?

Why? Because they promise something most of us long for: lasting change in areas we thought were unchangeable.

We’re not as “stuck” as we think we are

Who wouldn’t want to be rewired? To literally retrain our minds away from some of that ineffective childhood programming? To sever the wiring that supports the sneaky negativity that accompanied a troubling break up or traumatic life transition?

Well, the science says you’re in luck. It is very possible to improve your life and retrain your brain in some of the most important and satisfying areas of your life.

How? The experts call it neuroplasticity. Essentially, the brain is not the genetically fixed organ scientists once believed. The brain can change, and so can your behavior with intentional retraining. It’s a matter of growing new “wiring” or neural pathways to replace the problematic ones. And that bit of scientific knowledge changes everything!

Wow. You’re not stuck with the anxiety that plagues you. You can love differently and deeply. You are able to accept yourself and others and finally move forward!

So, what does it look like to rewire your brain?

To really take advantage of your brain’s ability to change, you need to address your thought life, relationships, and a genuine ability to reflect on both gratefully. Consider the following:

Rewire Your Brain to Lose the Weight of Anxiety

Neuroscientific research indicates that some degree of anxiety is normal and even optimal for neuroplasticity. After all, fight or flight is necessary at times. Still, too much or too little anxiety is not helpful. Many scientists, including researcher John B. Arden, Ph. D, author of, “Rewire Your Brain: Think Your Way to a Better Life,” note that it is possible to tap into your own parasympathetic nervous system in an effort to calm yourself down.

The key to managing anxiety? Confront it and make it useful for you.

Essentially, it is important to engage your thoughts and challenge your automatic responses (including your body’s responses) to people so that new neural pathways begin retraining your brain.

• Do something daily to reduce stress. Regular breathing exercises throughout the day. Get outside for a walk. Practice prayer or meditation.

• Ask yourself questions regarding the reality of your perceptions. Are you unsafe? Or do you feel unsafe? Noting the difference when you feel anxious can help.

• Face your fears rather than avoiding them. Go out of your way to make eye contact, connect, and push past the fear of doing so.

The research says this will help strengthen your vagus nerve, thereby improving “vagal tone.” This is a neural network that soothes the stress response so that you can calm down, accurately read a situation, and connect with other people safely.

Retrain your Brain to Gain More Love and Acceptance

Your brain is extremely sensitive to the signal and intentions of others. Your brain’s mirror neurons allow you to mirror someone else, or to feel what they feel without even thinking it. It’s like “brain empathy.”

To rewire your brain for more love and acceptance, it is important to routinely and actively engage the mirror neuron system in healthful ways.

• Identify relationships that you enjoy and look forward to. Reach out to that person regularly to build a strong love and acceptance “wiring” in your brain.

• Volunteer your time or give to your community in some way routinely in ways that connect you with others.

Fully develop that empathetic sensibility.

According to Dr. Arden, “Some researchers have proposed that experiencing empathy and compassion through the mirror neuron system is equivalent to having compassion for yourself.” Thus, “giving is receiving” is a brain-based truth. Insensitivity and selfishness are essentially bad for your brain and your mental health. In contrast, compassion (including self-compassion) and loving relationships are good for your brain and your mental health.

Rewire your Brain to Enjoy a Life of Gratitude

In 2009, the National Institutes of Health (NIH) released a study indicating that the region of our brains called the hypothalamus swings into action when we feel gratitude, or behave kindly. Why is that a big deal? Because the hypothalamus is a big deal. It regulates appetite, sleep patterns, body temperature, metabolism, and growth, among other bodily functions. So this research seems to reveal that gratitude is integral to our happiness. In fact, we really can’t function well without it.

That really is a big deal.

Research shows too, that gratitude is addictive—in a good way. Both performing acts of kindness and experiencing true gratitude releases dopamine, helping to form strong neural pathways and motivate us to seek out that natural high again and again by giving thanks and doing good things for others.

It’s also then that the mirror neuron system comes into play again, as it is the part of the brain involved in mindfulness prayer and meditation. Those practices, used for periods of grateful reflection, help rewire the brain for calm and focus, thus promoting better health and deeper connections with other people.

If you’re ready for real change, develop a new mindful attitude of gratefulness, step outside your routine to serve others in community with a supportive group of people, and look into ways that develop new body-based responses to stress.

Many people can make big improvements on their own with these methods. But, if change feels overwhelming or elusive, support from a trusted friend, pastor, mentor, or therapist can really help. Whether it’s working with me, or setting up accountability and support with a friend, don’t wait to start reprogramming yourself for less anxiety and more acceptance.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples: What is It?

Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples: What is It?

by | Relationships

According to Dr. Susan Johnson, Emotionally Focused Therapy expert:

“Underneath all the distress, partners are asking each other: Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need you, when I call? Do I matter to you? Am I valued and accepted by you? Do you need me, rely on me? The anger, the criticism, the demands, are really cries to their lovers, calls to stir their hearts, to draw their mates back in emotionally and reestablish a sense of safe connection.”

From her book called Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love



Couples don’t commit to each other to live in a disconnected, isolated, alienated way. The whole point is to love meaningfully and respectfully, and mutual enjoyment of each other. But it’s no secret that as time goes on maintaining that connection is often difficult, and for some the path to intimacy can become an impasse.

So what do you do when lasting love seems hard to achieve, and you’re overwhelmed by negative emotions you just can’t seem to get a handle on?

Dr. Johnson is the pioneer of Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, and she has a few ideas.

What EFT is and Why it Matters

Emotionally Focused Therapy treats the connection between partners as an attachment bond. This bond is formed, developed, and sometimes even destroyed by how well a couple dances together in the push and pull of meeting each other’s needs. The dance may be one of increasing closeness and coordinated movement toward each other. Or, it might be one marked by ongoing cycles of disconnect, conflict and hurtful stepping on each other’s emotional toes.

Since the 1980s, Dr. Johnson has explored ways to help couples feel more secure in their interactions. Her approach is meant to reduce the painful patterns of needy or demanding pursuit and painful withdrawn shut-down that happen in so many hurting relationships.

Emotionally Focused Therapy helps couples find ways to better understand each other’s dance steps rather than fight them. This way, both partners feel empowered to be the kind of partner that the other continues to trust and enjoy wherever life’s music takes them.

Just as expert dancers use what they’ve learned to create both connection and freedom on the dance floor, Emotionally Focused Therapy enhances the quality of connection to allow couples greater freedom and ease together. It was developed so that you can address the rifts between you without damaging the connection that binds you. You can even make your bond more secure. How?

Couples that employ Dr. Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy methods see substantial relationship improvement and growth due to increased ability to choose closeness over criticism or retreat.

Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples is the most research-proven method of couple therapy, and it is effective because it is closely aligned with the science of adult attachment and interpersonal neurobiology—how adults bond. (Research information can be found by visiting the website listed below for the International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy.)

EFT has core strengths that make it particularly helpful for distressed or confused couples

    1. First and foremost, EFT takes that view that relationship behavior, however negative it may seem, is likely each partner’s best attempt to get their needs met. Johnson calls this the “howl for connection.”


    2. EFT relies on some key fundamental, mapped steps that facilitate change in a relationship.


    3. EFT is a proven, workable, and lasting method that works in a variety of circumstances, across varying people groups around the world, and even improves the emotional well-being of individuals who apply the concepts.

Emotionally Focused Therapy goals are clear:

  • Shift the negative cycles of your couple dance by understanding and adjusting your emotional responses to each other.
  • Position yourselves differently in the dance by learning new “steps” or cycles of interaction rather than pursue/withdraw or criticize/defend.
  • Practice the new dance steps so that your bond is more secure and enjoyable.

Think about it. If you each knew that you were valued, loved, and respected, and you knew that you were each able to meet each other’s needs, what topics or areas of conflict would remain unmanageable?

How EFT Works and How it Helps

Over several decades, Dr. Johnson has shared with couples how openness, attunement, and responsiveness solidify connections. Her work implements these seven key conversations, that help couples create what she calls “a lifetime of love.” She details the following in her book, Hold Me Tight:

1. Recognize “the demon dialogues.”

What negative communication patterns exist in your relationship? This is the true problem. That same fight you have again and again? That’s your negative cycle of conflict showing up despite the topic (finances, family, etc.). Taking the pressure off each other and noticing your repetitive pattern makes emotion sharing much less risky because it becomes you two against the cycle, not each other.

2. Uncover your relational “raw spots.”

What attachment needs are repeatedly unaddressed between you? EFT work helps you see through your knee-jerk, automatic responses. You can then examine the hurts resulting from emotional deprivation and see each other’s true feelings more accurately.

3. Review “a rocky moment.”

What happens when you and your partner “go there?” Work through the demon dialogue. Examine your interactions. Take responsibility for your own behavior, emotions, hurts, and needs. Own your impact on your partner and the relationship. Then come together as you share deeper parts of yourselves.

4. Ask these transformative questions:

What do I fear most? What do I need most from you? This vulnerability creates a more available, emotionally responsive, and closely linked partnership. From here, you can establish positive interaction patterns.

5. Heal via forgiveness.

What pain remains unresolved between you? Relationship trauma must be faced honestly. Then it must be forgiven. This is how continual connection is built. Seek to have conversations that support healing and rebuild trust.

6. Bond via intimacy, sex, and touch.

Do you feel emotionally safe enough for lovemaking? In a committed relationship, sex plays a crucial role in rebuilding and cementing lasting connections. When emotional safety lags or gets very compartmentalized into pure sensation versus shared experience. Lacking in these areas further erodes the bond between you.

7. Maintain and nurture your love.

How will you engage each other to keep love healthy and growing? Dr. Johnson implores couples to keep talking, sharing, and responding in emotionally accessible ways. How?

  • Be vigilant and reflective as it pertains to unsafe actions and counteractions.
  • Openly celebrate your relationship “wins” or successes.
  • Develop your own rituals to lovingly acknowledge periods of separation and reunion.
  • Gently help each other recognize your unique attachment issues.
  • Create your distinct relationship recovery story together.
  • Allow yourselves to fully imagine and begin creating your new love story.
  • Come to terms with the truth: love is an ongoing journey. You will perpetually seek, lose, and recover your emotional connection. Stick with it.

Sue Johnson’s decades of work, many successful outcome studies, and the phenomenal success struggling couples enjoy reveal EFT effectiveness. This therapy addresses your longing for deeper emotional connection by getting past simple “conflict containment.” Instead, you become better able to access your emotions and enjoy a mutually responsive relationship.

So what’s the next step?

Dr. Johnson reassures readers in a blog post titled, “Where Does Love Go Wrong?” this way:

“…When folks caught in Demon Dialogues come in and ask, “Is there any hope for us?” I tell them, “Sure there is. When we understand what the drama of love is all about, what our needs and fears are, we can help each other step out of these negative dialogues into positive loving conversations that bring us into each other’s arms and safely home.”

If you and your partner are suffering from a pervasive sense of aloneness within your union, EFT can go a long way in helping you get to the heart of your hurt. From there, you can recover well in a lasting way.



———————————
Johnson, Susan M. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. New York: Little, Brown & Co, 2008.

International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy

[Please note that these principles for creating safety, and EFT, may not be appropriate for every stage of marital distress, especially ongoing abuse or the type of domestic violence known as intimate partner terrorism.]

When Is It Time for Marriage Counseling?

When Is It Time for Marriage Counseling?

by | Relationships

How do you know when it’s time for marriage counseling? Often, by the time couples seek them out, marriage counselors are in a really tough spot. Partners are coming to them desperate, disconnected, and possibly even divorce-minded.

It’s as though some couples are seeking a professional marriage coach who can swoop in and save their marriage game, despite the fact that the players don’t know the relationship fundamentals that could help them win.

And some are just looking for a referee to blow the final whistle on the whole thing.

Truthfully, if a counselor comes in with only seconds left on the clock, options are limited, team spirit is low. The couple is a team suffering from a serious lack of hope, burdened by emotional injuries. And worse, the scoreboard in their heads says they’re losing badly and have been for a long, long while.

Does that story sound familiar? Is your marriage a losing game? Do you feel hopeless as the clock counts down?

Getting Marriage Counseling Sooner is Definitely Better than Later

How many times has a great marriage counselor wished for early invitations to join a couple’s team, thinking:

”If only they had sought out a good marriage coach early in the game when things were going well! What if they’d sought help long before the long losing season began when thoughts of teaming up were still just an exciting idea!”

Hopefully, you’re reading this because you want to maintain your winning relationship. Or you figured you should make sure you have the relationship tools you need before you marry. If so, that’s awesome. You’re a marriage counselor’s dream.

But chances are you’ve been in the marriage game a while and you’re suffering. You’re looking for relief and a way to turn things around.

Dr. John Gottman, world renowned couples expert and relationship researcher, has found that the average couple wades through about six years of sadness, disconnect, unhappiness, and resentment before deciding to get help!

Wow. Six years? Is that your story? Day in and day out, suffering the demise of your loving feelings, living the progression from happiness to hopeless? Stuck…until you make that reluctant, “last resort” call to someone professional who might be able help you back from the brink?

You are not alone. It would seem that too few couples know when it’s time to seek to counsel. More partners need to know when and how to secure a marital win early.

Let’s look at a game plan that could make the marriage game a lot more rewarding.

Pre-game: Why Premarital Counseling Before Marriage is a Winning Strategy

Marrying into a new family is both exciting and a real challenge. Premarital counseling is an excellent first play. It can help you learn to work as a team, share your goals, and establish mutual boundaries that will insulate your connection and help you defend against any opposing forces.

Together, you can build solid teamwork and look forward to facing life together equipped with the tools counseling can provide before trouble complicates things.

Essentially, early practice of communication strategies, problem-solving skills, emotional attunement, understanding of patterns, and compassionate support can make all the difference. Relationship tools, learned early and employed routinely, can keep your relationship safer and more resilient when times get rough and the marriage game knocks you around a bit.

Full Court Press: Why Marriage Counseling is a Good Idea When the Game is Going Well

It’s easy to think you don’t need much coaching or support when the game is going well or it feels like there’s not much to challenge your happiness. Still, it’s all too easy to allow a few unresolved conflicts slide or push a few resentments to the back of your mind to fester in order to keep the peace. Unfortunately, as with any team, disharmony and dishonesty breed distrust and disconnect.

This is when communication skill building and teamwork tune ups help make the most of your cooperative effort.

Here too, is where the crux of John Gottman’s work comes into play. His game plan centers around something called The Sound Relationship House. This concept-house is based on more than 40 years of clinical research with thousands of couples. In some cases, the couples were followed for 20 years to see what makes for a happy, successful marriage.  It’s a model for ensuring marital fulfillment and victory for the home team. Consider the following play by play:

The Gottman Sound Relationship House

Maintain a love map.

Know your way around your spouse’s life. Familiarity breeds intimacy. Make and maintain a “love map” of your spouse or partner to keep you in tune with him or her. Stay in touch with who your partner is, his or her internal world (likes, dislikes, relationships, beliefs), how your partner is changing, and who he or she wants to become.

Grow fondness and admiration.

Fondness and admiration are stress buffers and relievers. The idea is that you have a general, and overriding positive regard for each other that interrupts any drift toward disrespect or contempt. Look for ways to foster respect and affection for one another in ways big and small throughout the day, week, and year.

Turn toward your partner, not away.

Romance amid the everyday grind says, “I value you,” no matter how busy, how stressed, or how irritated you are. Padding your “emotional bank account” with little points of connection builds friendship, and passion, that secure lasting love and positivity. Accept your partner’s “bids for connection,” signaling in ways big and small that you are there for your spouse.

Keep a positive perspective and give your spouse the benefit of the doubt

Contempt and criticism are surefire relationship killers. When you’re feeling irritated, give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Don’t jump to conclusions about motives or feelings. If something hits you wrong, check in with your partner and ask, “Hey, I’m wondering how you’re thinking about this, or what you did that?”

Manage Conflict

Allow for healthy influence.

Don’t confuse your partner’s influence for control. Let influence happen. Good teamwork is considerate and aware. Decision making is mutual. Respect and honor should be a commonplace and enjoyable part of your connection.

Solve solvable conflicts and cope healthfully with unresolvable, perpetual issues

Distinguish solvable issues from “perpetual, grid-locked ones.” According to the Gottman’s research, 69% of the issues that create conflict in your marriage will be things you deal with again and again over time. Whether finances, in-laws, household styles, or parenting, these perpetual issues will get renegotiated and worked out again over time as circumstances change. There’s a need for ongoing communication.

For perpetual issues, address and respect the dreams that are causing the gridlock and stress. What do you or your partner really hope for, and feel blocked from? This helps take the sting out of the issue, and helps you make peace with it, and each other, with hearts of compassion for each other’s longings.

The rest of the issues are actually solvable, so you can deal with them and move on. For any discussion or issue:

“Soften your startup.” Begin discussions without criticism or contempt.

Engage “repair attempts.” Do what you can to de-escalate tension.

Soothe. Calm yourself. Comfort your partner. Say you’re overwhelmed. Take a break. Find out how your partner likes to be comforted.

Compromise. Consider your partner. Start with places you’re willing to compromise and what you have in common. And, communicate honestly about your non-negotiable points rather than letting them simmer unspoken. From there, work out your emotions and goals.

Create shared meaning to attain your marriage’s highest potential.

When you know each other inside and out, when you maintain respect and give each other the benefit of the doubt, and when you have learned how to manage communication and conflict healthfully, then you’re freed up to truly create a life together. Develop your own relationship brand and fashion something loving, rich, and secure. That’s teamwork.

All in all, deciding to face your issues early is worth the effort and initial discomfort. You will reap relationship rewards continually as you become deeply connected in life together, keeping the team together, facing challenges, and keeping your eye on the ball.

Losing streak: Why marriage counseling can help you beat the relationship buzzer

So. What’s the best play if you’re part of that 6-year group I mentioned at the beginning of this post? Is it game over for you and yours? No way!  Don’t quit until you leave it all out on the court.

Marriage counseling can work if you’re committed to making it work. Rebuilding trust through shared commitment. Whatever happened over the course of your relationship can be addressed in a healthier way. There might be some prior damage to heal while you forge a new way forward. You want to know that you have given it all you’ve got.

Your marriage counselor’s job is to be an objective supporter of your relationship goals. Regardless of when you enter the process, the work is worth the effort. Of course, as with anything, early, focused intention will go a long way to head off some of the pain that comes with late intervention.

Marriage counseling is always meant to give you the tools to manage and enhance your life together. Start now building a life of balance, loving kindness, and acceptance. Be willing to give your relationship the very best counsel and coaching from the start.

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How Your Partner Bids for Connection & What to Do Next

How Your Partner Bids for Connection & What to Do Next

by | Relationships

Are you connecting with your partner the way you want to?

Listen up. Your partner is talking to you. What do you hear?

  • “Honey, do you want to grab lunch tomorrow?”
  • “You would never guess the stuff I heard at work today!’
  • “Aren’t YouTube cat videos the worst?”

So, how do you respond to your partner? With a nod or shrug, before turning back to the TV? A murmured “uh- huh” while surfing your social media?

Just a heads up, your partner is likely bidding for connection with you.  And if he or she is doing any of the following, you’re probably missing even more:

Did they open your door, offer you a seat, or willingly share a bite of their dessert?

Did they chuckle or sigh at something, hoping you would ask why?

Did they touch you affectionately with a little squeeze on the leg, a pat on the shoulder, a hug, or a peck on the cheek?

All of these behaviors are bids for emotional connection. Instead of using words, their actions speak instead.

They say, “Here I am.” “Come to me.” “Let’s get together.” And, “Hey! I want to be with you.”

And each bid requires your response, the best being positive, affirming reaction. They are without a doubt vital to the health of your relationship.

Why?

Because when attempts at connection are deflected, deliberately ignored, or simply fall flat or unnoticed, the desire to make ourselves vulnerable to each other is doused with disappointment. Intimacy then gives way to uncertainty and resentment over time. And the good thing between you can start to fizzle out and weaken.

To prevent a breakdown in your bond, learn to recognize and respond to your partner

Demands or “bids” for emotional involvement have long been the subject of much study and exploration by well-known relationship and marriage counseling expert and scholar Dr. John Gottman. For decades, Gottman identified nine ways in which partners seek emotional connection. Specifically, these include:

  1. Bids for Attention: “Check out what I did while you were at work!”
  2. Bids for Interest: “Did you just see what happened in the news today?”
  3. Bids for Enthusiastic Engagement: “Why don’t we get away this weekend?”
  4. Bids for Extended Conversation: “How did your sister’s vacation go?”
  5. Bids for Humor: “Listen, what happened in class was hilarious!”
  6. Bids for Emotional Support: “I don’t know how I’m going to get through the holidays.”
  7. Bids for Self-Disclosure: “What happened at work today?”
  8. Bids for Play: Teasing or playfully wrestling with your partner.
  9. Bids for Physical Contact: Reaching for your partner’s hand or leaning in for a hug.

As you become more adept at recognizing these bids, so should you work at becoming a skilled and intentional positive responder. Gottman breaks this down too. He calls the way we should respond “turning toward” your partner:

Response to each other’s bids for emotional intimacy generally occurs in three key ways

There are three primary ways we generally respond to our partner’s bids for emotional connection and intimacy with us:

  • “Turning toward.”

When we turn toward our partners, we acknowledge and respond appropriately to their bids. For example, we might provide encouragement, smile, nod, ask questions, or offer a hug. These behaviors indicate that we’re listening and responsive.

  • “Turning away.”

In this case, we literally dismiss or ignore bids for intimacy. We might turn away by refusing to answer questions, walking off, or deciding not to accept an outstretched hand or embrace. Passively, we might choose to ignore phone calls or texts as well.

  • “Turning against.”

This occurs when we respond to our partners in an irritable, hostile, or negative way. We may become angry or short, shooting down our partner when they make a request. We may pull away when they seek to make physical contact. Or we may respond in a generally critical way to whatever they say or do to get close or establish rapport.

Not surprisingly, couples who respond to bids for connection by turning toward each other enjoy a higher level of intimacy and relationship satisfaction. This is because these small gestures of acceptance help answer a key question spouses ask each other. John Gottman defines the key to building trust as answering positively your partner’s question, “Are you there for me?” Accepting your spouse’s bids for connection answers these questions:

Are you there for me when:

  • I need affection?
  • I want to share a smile?
  • I’m seeking emotional support?
  • I’d like to be playful?
  • I’m interested in something?

While you can’t turn towards each other 100 percent of the time, you can dedicate yourself to accepting bids for connection consistently. When you do, you’ll have thousands of opportunities over the course of a year to show your spouse you are there for him or her. When you do that, you’re building trust in all the little ways, day by day.

If you find that your relationship is mired in behavior that turns you away or against each other, all is not lost. Commit to change, and look for ways to meet your partner’s bids for connection. When you do, you just might find that they’re meeting your needs more often, too. And, if the two of you aren’t able to work through things on your own, don’t wait. Couple’s counseling can create the space where building new habits can help to turn things around.